SIBLING RIVALRY –
Is it a phase of growth???
Growth for Parents or Children???
What causes Sibling Rivalry?
What are the Do’s and Dont’s???
Are you tired of settling the craziest, useless sibling fights??????
He/She started it first!!!
I took it first!!!
It is my turn!!
It is my toy!!
He /She changed the channel!!!
He/She is calling me bad names!!!
This is my place!!!
I sat here first!!!
He/She is looking at me. Stop looking at me!!!!
He/She is showing faces!!!!
Are you wondering how to end this????
To end something , we should understand the beginning….
Sibling rivalry is confirming the position in the family/group.
This is the learning phase from “I” to “WE”, by strongly protecting self to confirm position.
It is similar to the games – Chess and Jenga.
Game of Chess – Strategies of movements to win.
Game of Jenga – Trial and error and learn which coin can be pushed safely.
Social skills begin at home. First the child learns to function as part of a family and then moves to social circles.
The force comes from fear. When I allow someone in my space, will I lose my space?
So the question is – why fight?
2 reasons for fight: FEAR & CONFUSION.
Learn to co-exist but fear of losing personal boundary.
Learn to give and take but fear of the possibility of giving and not getting .
Learn to listen but fear of not being heard.
Learn to understand but fear of not being understood.
The important thing for parents is to understand the reasons and deal with the fear and confusion by using the right words and strategies. It is the phase to teach them conflict resolution.
DO'S
- Set Rules of the House. (This will help you take quick decisions).
- Remind them to follow the Rules of the House.
- Spend time with each child separately.
- Clear goal setting for each child with regards to daily routine. (study time, screen time and play time can be planned by the parent for children below 15.)
- Make Meal Time compulsory on the Dining table. Whenever possible, meal Time should be together with all family members.
- Whenever the fight becomes serious, intervene by asking them to stop and count till 10. Then 4 rounds of deep breathing. Then ask each one to write what they want to achieve by doing what they did. ( You can conclude by referring to the Rules of the House).
- Keep your voice low and tone calm. Ask them what they can do (not the other person) to get what they want. Help them to communicate with each other.
- Avoid labelling the child. Always mention the fight as situation. (for example, Bad words not good for the ears, Toys/Things are not for breaking , Doors are for the room, not for banging, Hitting is always a NO)
- Settle differences of Opinions with your partner by communicating with each other peacefully.. Children learn the patterns, phrases and words from Parents.
- The Rules, Hugs and Kisses should be same for all children.
DONT'S
- Don’t compare your children with each other.
- Don’t be a Referee because you have to pass a judgement in favor of one.
- Don’t intervene if they are finding a way out.
- Dont use the phrases – You are the eldest, so………., You are the youngest, so………
- Don’t ask your elder child to always look after the younger one if there is sibling Rivalry.
- Don’t interrupt your time with your elder child because the other child is small. Plan activities for your little one or adjust the routine so that the elder child gets undivided attention.
- Active listening – Don’t evade or cut short when your child is talking to you.
- Don’t cook, work or look at the phone messages when your child is talking to you. You can either ask the child to wait and remember what it wants to tell, or pause whatever you are doing and listen.
- Don’t discuss the fighting episodes with others in front of your children.
- Don’t give Time Out. It is only a temporary pause not a solution to the conflict. (Time Out only in case of physical fights even after 4 breath counts and writing, or not ready to take that pause.)
- Don’t cuddle only the younger one and expect the elder one to understand that they are big, so no cuddling.
- Don’t fight with your partner or others in front of your children – No Shouting, Abuses, Blames and Complaints.
Purnima
svidya.m70
Sudha