The answer lies in the question itself. The child is reacting, not responding.
The focus should be on teaching the child to respond.
Behavior and Misbehavior, both are learnt habits. An angry child has learnt to get angry. Repetitions is the core of learning. Once learning happens, then the pattern( for example anger or hitting) becomes an automatic reaction. The child’s learning turns into belief – Anger works – I am in control, I get what I want.
No child is born angry. It is an acquired expression.
Trigger – some examples of thoughts/triggers-
I have to STOP the other person to keep myself happy. I m not safe/happy. I am scared if I don’t control, I will be controlled.
Past Experiences -All episodes where anger worked.
Learning – I see my parents, teachers, friends, others getting angry and be in control.
Application – I get angry and it works.
How to stop the HITTING behavior?
1. Teach the child to express in words.
When a child is lost for words, it may resort to hitting.
Everytime you disagree with your child and others, consciously repeat phrases to resolve. The child will learn those phrases gradually.
For example –
- I am not comfortable with what I hear / see now.
- Please explain what you want.
- I understand you are upset, Please sit and we can discuss.
2. Start an everyday Breathing Ritual with your child.
Deep breathing supplies more oxygen to the brain and relaxes the body. Mind automatically relaxes when the body is relaxed. Simple deep breathing is – Inhale for 4 counts and Exhale for 4 counts.
A parenting Tip:
Open the voice recorder in your phone.
Record these 4 statements ( this is instead of counting till 4) – I am very happy. I am very confident. I love my family. I love my friends. Say the statements slowly with a pause after every word. Repeat all the statements in the same order. 10 times.
Everyday, same time, same place use this recording and start the everyday Breathing Ritual. Inhale – I am very happy, Exhale – I am very confident. Inhale – I love my family, Exhale – I love my friends.
3.Practice what you Preach.
The child observes and learns from the parent. Practice conflict resolution without getting angry not just with your child, but everyone and every trigger. The child should see how you communicate and deal with your triggers- (the words and phrases you use) and your body language.
We cannot cool boiling water by adding more boiling water. We have to add cold water. When the child is angry or hitting, deal with the situation without getting angry. The child learns from the parent to deal with triggers. The hitting behaviour of the child is a trigger for the parent.
Lead the child from Feelings to Thoughts
When the child starts hitting, the parent should stay calm and firm. Say No to Hitting – Hold the child/s hand, look into the eyes and in a calm and firm voice say, “No Hitting”.
Then holding the child’s hands firmly yet softly, do 3 rounds of deep breathing and then talk, “You seem to be upset, What did you want to achieve by hitting?” This will help the child to calm down, reflect and answer. (Don’t ask, Why did you hit”?)
The behaviour of a child is a learnt habit from repeated experiences. A parent can break the pattern by consciously giving new learning experiences.